Sunday, May 10, 2015

How and why I chose to finally forgive my Mom

my mom was awful
my mom was abusive
my mom was a little crazy
my mom divorced my dad after 19 years
my mom disappeared from my life for 10 years
my mom told me she wished she never had us
my mom alienated her children
i never really had a mom

this is the mom i have remembered for the last 20 years
the mom i have chosen to remember

the truth is.....
my mom had 6 kids by the time she was 28
my mom went thru painful labor 6 times
my mom nursed a newborn 6 times
my mom homeschooled 6 kids
my mom taught us to pray
my mom read us the bible
my mom taught us right from wrong
my mom taught me to cook
my mom taught me to clean and sew
my mom managed a crazy house with 3 little boys and 3 little girls

the truth is......
my mom buried her father way too early
my mom was exhausted
my mom was discouraged and gave up
my mom was brutally abused by her second husband 
i didn't even know if she would survive him
my mom was the sole caretaker for her own mother until she passed
my mom was the sole caretaker for her 3rd husband until he passed
my mom was alone and scared
my mom had her own story

the truth is.......
my mom never gave up
my mom tried
my mom apologized even though it fell on deaf ears 
some of my siblings still don't speak to her
my mom tried to gather her life pieces
my mom went back to school
my mom always told herself she could do better
my mom tried and tried

my mom is a devoted grandmother
my mom has built relationships with each grandchild 
my kids love her

the truth is.......
my mom made mistakes

i'm not really sure when it happened, maybe when i started homeschooling
maybe it was when i turned 35 (i grew up)
i began to see my mom as a woman, not the mom that did me wrong as a girl
i started to understand her as a person
a person who made mistakes.....and then tried to make it better
a person who i needed to forgive

i am a mom
i make mistakes
i will continue to make mistakes
some small, some potentially huge
one or more of my boys may be upset with me at some point
i may need to apologize
i may need them to forgive me and help me move on
i may be heartbroken and give up
i may say all the wrong things
and when i do.......

well, i won't want my children to hang on to ONLY that for 20 years

i will want them and NEED them to remember the love
the countless sacrifices 
fundraisers, volunteers time
the long nights
the tears i cried wondering if i was doing the right thing
the stress over each loving punishment
only handed out to ensure they grew up right
the hugs
the i love yous
the encouragements

my mom has apologized and it is up to me to forgive
i have always told her i forgive her but i wonder if i really had
we don't forgive so that the other person can move on
we forgive so that we can move on
but i want her to be released and move on too

i know some of my siblings can't find it in themselves to forgive
that's OKAY!!
we all experience situations differently
each experience has its own outcome and no one is obligated to do anything but what is best for them
but this is finally where i am at
and it feels good

my mom needs me now
more than ever

i am proud of you mom for how far you have come
i am  praying for you as you enter your next life journey
i will be here when you get to the other side