Sunday, November 19, 2017

I am enough

I found myself hurrying around nervously
Not sure if what I was wearing is right

I hadn't seen him face to face for more than a few moments for months

I hadn't seen him smile at me in what feels like forever
We haven't even made eye contact since that day

What will he think when he sees me?
Will he be nervous too?
Will he still think I'm beautiful?
Will he compare me to her?

Why do I care?
I can't change what has happened
I'm still protecting my son
I can't punish myself for decisions that were made outside of my control
But I do

I can't keep wondering why I wasn't enough
Why we weren't enough
Enough to hang on for
Enough to fight for
But I do

I often find myself repeating these questions when I'm sad and feeling rejected. 
But God quietly reminded me of one simple truth;
Psalm 139:14
I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

It reminds me that my worth is so much more than what's found in the the opinion of a person. Even if that person is very important. My worth has already been determined and no one else can define it.
My worth doesn't lie in the hands of jealousy or strife. It lies in the hands of the one who created me and made me who I am. My worth is found in God using my life to love and encourage others. My true worth is my life as a mother who loves and her children unconditionally through the challenges and joys of life. 

I still cry often
But not as much
I've done a lot of healing
I've leaned on friends and family
I've listened to advice
I've prayed

I will no longer continue to allow myself to wonder if I'm good enough.
That's not for anyone else to decide
Its already been decided

I am enough