Perpective

3 years ago I quit my job to stay home with my children

after 20 years of working outside the home my career drastically changed

taking care of tiny humans is not the toughest job

but it is tough

some days more than others

but on those tough days I remember what my dad always taught me 

find perspective in my life

what has meaning? 

where is that meaning?

how can I use this to leverage the situation to move myself forward? 

not just move forward, but enjoy every meaningful moment

thank you dad

because of you........

I will not complain about the screaming

because one day my halls will be baron

the rooms will be silent

and I will miss the shriek of a toddler and the laughter of my young ones

I will not long for uninterrupted sleep

because one day I will lie awake

wondering what my children are doing

or if they are home safe in their own beds

I will not wish for a sparkling clean house

because one day I will find small tokens

of children grown, a rattle, a sock, a long lost lego

and I will treasure memories of messy floors in a home well lived in

I will not cry over broken dishes

because one day those cracks and chips

will become fond memories that will bring a smile to my face

I will not worry on long busy days that leave me exhausted

because one day I will be bored and take up hobbies to fill my time

while I fondly remember those days of long "to-do" lists

and days that 12 hours was just not enough

I will not commiserate during long sporting events 

standing in the hot hot sun, carrying a baby on my back

with sunburned shoulders and achy feet

because one day I will only have photos for those moments

I will not shoo my children off my lap

or out of my kitchen

or out of my bed during morning snuggles

because one day my lap will be too brittle to hold them

my kitchen will only hold food for two

and my bed will seem too big for just my husband and me

I will not beat myself up over a missed run or workout
or let my body image warp because I enjoyed a piece of birthday cake
because my kids will remember that I was healthy
and balanced
and fun
and lived in the moment

I will live for today

I will savor each loud, interrupted, messy, broken, exhausting, hot, long day

because someday

my boys will look back and from their perspective say

"Thanks Mom" 

and I will know that every minute counted
whether I can see it right now or not

This is my youngest son Cooper. Most days he is a hot mess. He came into this world screaming and 20 months later, he hasn't found a reason to stop. He challenges me every day to be a better mother. 

How and why I chose to finally forgive my Mom

my mom was awful

my mom was abusive

my mom was a little crazy

my mom divorced my dad after 19 years

my mom disappeared from my life for 10 years

my mom told me she wished she never had us

my mom alienated her children

i never really had a mom

this is the mom i have remembered for the last 20 years

the mom i have chosen to remember

the truth is.....

my mom had 6 kids by the time she was 28

my mom went thru painful labor 6 times

my mom nursed a newborn 6 times

my mom homeschooled 6 kids

my mom taught us to pray

my mom read us the bible

my mom taught us right from wrong

my mom taught me to cook

my mom taught me to clean and sew

my mom managed a crazy house with 3 little boys and 3 little girls

the truth is......

my mom buried her father way too early

my mom was exhausted

my mom was discouraged and gave up

my mom was brutally abused by her second husband 

i didn't even know if she would survive him

my mom was the sole caretaker for her own mother until she passed

my mom was the sole caretaker for her 3rd husband until he passed

my mom was alone and scared

my mom had her own story

the truth is.......

my mom never gave up

my mom tried

my mom apologized even though it fell on deaf ears 

some of my siblings still don't speak to her

my mom tried to gather her life pieces

my mom went back to school

my mom always told herself she could do better

my mom tried and tried

my mom is a devoted grandmother

my mom has built relationships with each grandchild 

my kids love her

the truth is.......

my mom made mistakes

i'm not really sure when it happened, maybe when i started homeschooling

maybe it was when i turned 35 (i grew up)

i began to see my mom as a woman, not the mom that did me wrong as a girl

i started to understand her as a person

a person who made mistakes.....and then tried to make it better

a person who i needed to forgive

i am a mom

i make mistakes

i will continue to make mistakes

some small, some potentially huge

one or more of my boys may be upset with me at some point

i may need to apologize

i may need them to forgive me and help me move on

i may be heartbroken and give up

i may say all the wrong things

and when i do.......

well, i won't want my children to hang on to ONLY that for 20 years

i will want them and NEED them to remember the love

the countless sacrifices 

fundraisers, volunteers time

the long nights

the tears i cried wondering if i was doing the right thing

the stress over each loving punishment

only handed out to ensure they grew up right

the hugs

the i love yous

the encouragements

my mom has apologized and it is up to me to forgive

i have always told her i forgive her but i wonder if i really had

we don't forgive so that the other person can move on

we forgive so that we can move on

but i want her to be released and move on too

i know some of my siblings can't find it in themselves to forgive

that's OKAY!!

we all experience situations differently

each experience has its own outcome and no one is obligated to do anything but what is best for them

but this is finally where i am at

and it feels good

my mom needs me now

more than ever

i am proud of you mom for how far you have come

i am  praying for you as you enter your next life journey

i will be here when you get to the other side